Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, there lived a being.  A being unlike any other that has walked this or any other cosmos.  What makes him so different, is that he is a cyborg (part living organism and part machine).  "So what!"  You say that you have seen a lot of cyborgs in your time.  Well, you haven't seen any like this before, because this one is kind of a freak. . .

     Yo man, now just hold on a minute.  Just who do you think you are calling a freak?  Yo man, who's name do you see at the top of this page?  Mine, right?  Not yours, so why don't you people just keep your traps shut and let me tell the story my way!  Sheesh!  Some people have no manners at all.  I'll have to speak to the writers about that guy.

     Oky, doky, now that that's all settled, let's see of we can do this thing the way it was meant to be done, my way.  I'm pretty sure that you've already guessed my name by now, but in case you haven't it is Metal Head.  Well, at least that is what people call me.  I don't really have a name and I'm not exactly sure where I came from or even what time period.  You see, I'm a cyborg, but unlike most cyborgs, my mind as well as my body are mine to control.  That is what makes me so different.  In case you were wondering why people call me Metal Head, It's because of the music that I choose to listen to.  Of course, this being heavy metal.  The reason that I choose to listen to this form of music, is that it is the only thing that I can get tuned in on my B.F.R. (Big Freakin' Radio).  Just in case you were wondering why that dope called me a freak, it's because the people of his dimension just aren't used to seeing such a cool cyborg such as myself, with my iron mohawk, Terminator clothes and Robocop laser cannon walking around their streets without a cage.

     In some galaxies, I am known as a savior.  In others, I am called a vigilante.  In some of the worse, I am called a criminal.  I personally like to think of myself, as an Inter-Dimensional-Time-Traveling-Trash-Collector.  You see, I don't like crime of any sort or the people who commit them.  Since I don't have anything better to do with my time, I spend it stopping crime wherever I see it.  Whether it be on another planet, universe, dimension or
even time period.

     Well, I guess that's enough of telling you about my looks and my taste in music.  Now we can get into more details about my life as a cybernetic crime fighter.  Unlike your average comic book super character, I don't run around in stupid looking tights and another thing, which may be out of character, is that I will absolutely never be seen wearing my underwear on the outside of my clothes.  I'm sorry, but I just had to get that off of my chest before we went on.  I figure by now, it is pretty obvious that I can travel in both time as well as space.  I
just push the green button on my waist and it's off into the wild black yonder.  I'm never exactly sure where I am at first, so I ask one of the many alien people that I find roaming the large city that I landed in.  She tells me in a very friendly sounding alien language, that I am in the city of Xinia, on the planet Frendel.

     After getting the information that I needed, it was about time that I stopped some criminals.  The only problem that I had was trying to find one.  It would seem that the planet Frendel had no crime on it whatsoever.  This sure turned out to be a wasted trip.  There's nothing that I can do here, so I might as well leave.  Once again I push the green button (green for go) and off I go to who knows where.

     When I land, I automatically know where I am from the garbage that I land in.  It's the planet Earth.  The Earth has got to be one of the most disgusting places that I know.  There's garbage everywhere that I look.  There are people and animals living on the streets.  There are drug users, dealers and criminals of all kinds running rampant.  It makes me sick!  Every time I come to this stinking planet, to try an pull it from the ashes, the inhabitants just kick me off.  Since I have sworn to destroy evil wherever it may be and at whatever cost, I must pass final judgment over the human race, before their evil spreads to other planets.  I must now do what I most dread and wipe clean the slate call Earth.  I first tunnel to the center to the center of the planet, then I gather all of the planet's war machines and toss them to the center of the planet, where they detonate in one all consuming blast.  An entire race destroyed, because they couldn't control their anger or take care of the ones that couldn't
care for themselves.  The death of a world, is a hard thing to witness, but the knowledge that there are still planets like Frendel, who have no crime or war is what keeps me going.

     Not being human has it's advantages.  Like being able to recover from a nuclear blast in a matter of seconds and being able to mentally block the knowledge that I just destroyed billions of life forms.  Let's try our luck in another dimension this time.  I push the you know what again and where are we now?  There's only one way to find out, let's ask someone.  "Yo dude, can you tell me where I am"?  "Hello"?  "Wake up".  "Oh, I'm sorry.  I didn't know you were speaking to me telepathically".  "Ok.  Thanks for the info dude".  The man thing, told me that i'm on the planet Werner, in the Antaris system.  Luckily for me, because I am bored, they do have a problem with crime.  The fact is that, they have only one hundred criminals left on the planet and they are willing to pay me to get rid of them in any way that I can.  Of course, any time that I can get paid for doing something that I was going to do anyway, I'm going to take it.

     Ok, you're probably wondering how in the Hell, I am going to get rid of one hundred psychotic criminals in three hours or less.  Oh yeah,  I just remembered that I forgot to tell you that they put a time limit on capturing them.  If I don't capture them in three hours or less, I don't get the reward.  Since I need the reward money, to pay for ammunition for my weapon and some radical new clothes, I had better get going.  Now back to the first question.  Well, when you really think about it, I don't exactly how I'm going to get them, but that reward is
helping me think allot clearer.  I hover over the planet ominously, looking for the slightest sign of trouble.  Then, all of a sudden, an explosion directly below me.  I go down to have a closer look, knowing full well, that it is probably a trap.  I see them all coming at me at the same time, which proved that this was either a trap or these are the dumbest criminals in history.  Well, there not as dumb as they look, because at the same time as I charge them, a dozen tanks come at me from behind.

     The tanks are run by remote control, so I take out my twelve foot miniature laser cannon and blast them to never never land, just as a show of power.  It works, they start running in different directions.  Now this is what I call fun!  Two and a half hours left, before I lose the reward money, but I'm not worried.  When I catch up with them, it turns out that all one hundred of the planet's criminals had teamed up to form a kind of army.  The first few I saw, I just shot in the back (they didn't deserve any better).  On the next bunch, I used the little known power of my B.F.R., which is the Sonic Boom.  When I pointed it at them and turned it on, their bodies exploded and there was the smell of burning flesh and charred bones in the air.  The next bunch must have been crazed and desperate, because they came charging at me with their hands waving in the air, screaming, "We surrender"!  You should know by now that I don't know the meaning of the word.  Another word that I don't know the meaning of, is mercy.  It was a massacre!  I used the blade of my iron mohawk to hack the fiends to pieces.  Fifty nine minutes left to collect the reward money.

     I am now wearing my radical new duds and have enough ammo to last me, who knows how long.  Now, it's Miller time!  I don't really drink beer, but I just had to use that line.  What I really need is a lube job.  You wouldn't believe how much dust I'm collecting between my circuits.  Oh well, I guess it's time to leave again.  Here I go again, to who cares where.

     The place where I land is unknown to me (as usual), but this time there is nobody around to ask.  I don't know where I am and I don't like it.  It's not really the now knowing that bothers me, it's the place itself that I don't like.  It feels like the whole planet has been deserted.  Why!?  That's what I'm going to find out.  As I'm walking on the planet's surface, I have the strange feeling that I'm being watched from a distance.  I wish that whatever it is, would come and face me like a man (or something to that affect).  I don't like not being able to see exactly what it is I'm facing and I think it knows that.  The farther I go, the less things seem to change.  I don't think I have ever seen such a barren wasteland before in my entire existence.  "Come out, come out, wherever you are".  "Damn It"!  This is driving me up the wall (of which there are none).  I'm getting the Hell out of here, before it's too late. . . Oh Shit!  I'm still here.  The stupid button isn't working.  Now I know for sure that I am not alone and I also know what it is that I'm facing.  It's a Xenomorph (a shape changing, telekinetic, mind reader).
Xenomorphs have got to be one of the easiest things in the whole galaxy to destroy.  The only you have to do, is put on your infrared visor and, wait until you can see it and the just blow it's friggin' head off.  Much the way that I just did.  Man, what a mess I made.  I may have destroyed it, but not until convinced an entire planet to destroy themselves, by insinuating hate and fear into their minds on a constant basis.  They were most likely, a kindly and peaceful people at first.  Damn, I hate it when things like this happen during a perfectly nice day.

     A push of the button (that the creature had convinced me didn't work) and it's off we go.  Destination unknown, but wherever I land, it can't be any worse than what I just went through.  Well, as usual, I'm right, it's not any worse.  It's a pleasure planet, where the crimes are usually committed by drunken aliens, who are just trying to have fun.  This is the only place that I never try to shut down, because nobody ever gets murdered or seriously injured on the planet.  I might not shut it down, but that doesn't mean I don't keep an eye on
it.  The first sign of trouble and I just shoot the person who causes it.  It's really a nice kind of place, where you can stop and have a drink once in awhile.  I like it, because nobody ever complains when I play my music.

     Ok, boys and girls, I guess it's about time that I left this place for a little while, but I'll be back.  I'm not even going to bother telling you what I do next, because you should already know by now.  When I landed this time, it wasn't on land, but in the sea (I hate the water).  I didn't mind the water so much, when I found out where I was.  I was on a planet that still had barbarians ruling it.  Man, you wouldn't believe how long i've been looking for a planet like this.  Barbarians have got to be some of the crudest, unruliest, bad mannered, fun loving people in
the whole damned cosmos.  This is going to be great fun, because now I can let loose with my authentic replica, Conan the Barbarian broad sword.  I picked it up on Earth, before it went Kablooee.

     Since, this is kind of a vacation for me, I am going to be going incognito.  I leave my fancy duds, laser cannon and even my B.F.R., where only I can possibly reach them (a mile deep hole that I dug in the ground).  The first thing I do, is to kill a sabretooth tiger with my bare hands and use the fur for clothes.  I also use it's head, as a kind of war helmet.  It doesn't take too long for me to meet the locals.  From first impressions, I know I'm going to like this place.  If you're wondering why I say that, it is because the first thing the locals do in greeting,
is try to kill me.  Now, it's party time!  They're big, real big, bigger than me even, but I still let them make the first move.  They do exactly what I expect them to do.  They all come at me from different directions, with their broad swords held high, then they start hacking at me in a kind of frenzy.  They seemed to be in a rush to kill me, though I'm not sure why.  They didn't seem to notice, that they weren't doing any damage to me, until I took out my sword and gutted, beheaded and tore them limb from limb.  Boy, was that fun, but still a little too easy.

    The more I walk around, the more I like this planet.  I go into a tavern, to see what kind of trouble I can stir up.  On a planet like this, It's never too hard to find a good fight.  I ask the tavern keeper if he has seen any criminal types around the area (knowing very well, that I'm asking a stupid question).  He answers my question, when he asks the same question, (in a sarcastic tone) of the tavern's patrons.  They answer by unsheathing their swords and knives.  This is great!  One cyborg against two hundred barbarians in an enclosed area.  My kind of odds.  This actually may be a challenge for a change.  The battle rages on for at least three hours, with more combatants entering every minute.  It was an up and down battle (I was usually up and they were usually down).  I haven't had this much fun in centuries.  When the party was finally over, I ended up on top, none the worse for wear, as usual.  I stayed on the planet, for about two months after that.  I didn't really want to leave at all, but there was still crime out there and I had to go find it.  I said good bye to the few barbarians that I had befriended, including the woman that I met in an alley two weeks ago.  After picking up my stuff, I was reluctantly off again.

     When I pressed the button again, I seemed to be floating in space the way I usually do, but this time I didn't feel too good.  I felt woozy, as if I was going to Barf, (but cyborgs can't throw up).  The next moment, I blacked out. . .

     When I awake, I find myself in a room fortified with a force field of immense power.  I know this, because there is a sign on the wall that states, "This Room is Fortified with an Immensely Powerful Force Field".  Wait a goddamn minute here!  What the Hell am I doing, reading signs about force fields, when I should be trying to find out just where the Hell I am?  My instinct, is to try to shoot my way out through the wall, but when I go for gun, I find that it is gone along with my other weapons and B.F.R..  My weapons are one thing, but when someone messes
with my B.F.R., they're as good as dead.  My anger must be clouding my thinking, because the next thing I know, I am trying to put my head through the force field.  What happens next, doesn't make much sense, since I have never felt anything like it, when I hit the field I feel pain.  Pain, like I just broke a part of my body.  When I try to move my left arm, the only thing it does, is twitch, with the blood spurting out of the flesh, where the bone is sticking out.  Did I just say flesh and bone!?  That doesn't make any sense at all.  What happened to my
armored body?

     I may feel like I'm dying, but I still want to know how it happened, who did it and why.  As I look up from my blood drenched arm, I see five armored forms standing over me and then I black out again.  When I wake up this time, the armored forms are gone and in their place are beings of flesh, as I have become.  The being next to me spoke to me as if he knew or something.  "So, they caught you again aye George.  I told you, they would.  I told you that stealing one of their body armor suits and weapons was a stupid idea.  Did you listen to me, though. . . Nooo!  Not you!  You were to busy thinking of yourself and what you do if you could get out of this zoo".  Then he started throwing Gummi Bears at me.  I guess i'll just sit here and bleed to death, since I don't seem to have anything better to do.

Alpha Lemur

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