What has happened to me?
Once upon a time I was happy---
Laughing,
Smiling,
Even crying without pain.
Now that's all disappeared.

Agony has taken the place of joy
And death the place of life.

Wishing to no longer exist is no way to live.
Crying and smiling without feeling is not how life
should be.

Every moment is spent alone,
And it hurts.

I am dead already,
For breath does not bring life.
Purpose, feeling, passion---
Those are the elements by which humans find the
will to exist.
Where have they gone for me?
How can I be expected to do anything
Without them?

Even now I cry,
But I do not feel.
Why?

I wish for sleep with all my being,
Yet I remain awake.

I cannot continue long on this course,
But all other roads have closed to me.
I pass them sometimes,
Seeing the people on them
Laughing, singing, loving.
I see them living,
And I cry all the harder,
And I die a little more,
And I continue on my road.
I so desperately want to turn onto another,
But I would be lost.

All I know is the road I am on now;
The path of suffering,
The path of lightlessness,
My path---
The path I have chosen for myself.

Every now and again I timidly change roads,
Walk slowly and unsurely a few steps into
their light.
Then I turn and run,
Terrified of their brightness.

Perhaps one day my own road will turn green
and vital,
And I only keep walking in this hope,
But I am weakened,
My legs utterly exhausted.
I hope this transition will come to pass
And come to pass soon,
Because I cannot walk forever.

chisa96 04

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