I am just your average mutant American, in your average post nuclear holocaust town.  The year is 3021 A.B. (after bomb).  The streets are empty, except for the few courageous or foolish people who still dare to come out of their holes and venture forth to seek some form of food which is not canned (they have no can openers).  I am one of the few who do not enjoy eating the bodies of our dead, So I am going to go out and see if I can find an open Pizzeria or something.  Instead of that, the only thing I found was desolation and the mailman making his rounds.

     As I walk or rather roll (skateboard of course), I find that not only has the atmosphere started to disintegrate, but gravity has also gotten out of whack.  I found this out when I looked up and noticed that there were skeletons and rusted cars floating over my head.  One other thing which caught my eye was an ominous looking disk, which looked a Hell of a lot like a giant pizza pie.  Maybe I'm crazy or just plain hungry, but when I saw the flying pizza I started burping.  When I burp, the ground shakes and things break.  Before I stopped burping, I had left two buildings in ruins and the pizza was tumbling down towards the Earth.  I of course excused myself and took my board over to the giant pizza, but when I reached it, it wasn't a pizza at all.  It was just another stupid spaceship.  I'm not exactly sure why I bothered to look inside of it, seeing that whenever aliens land on Earth, it is usually just to make fun of the mess that we made of the planet.  Somehow this time, I felt it was different as I ripped the door off of the  ship looking forward to tearing the heads off of the little green bastards.

     When I finally tore my way into the ship, I heard voices.  The voices were not those of little green aliens, but of big blue ones and there was the smell of pizza in the air.  As you may know, the blue aliens are made of pizza and have eyes of pepperoni.  They were all warriors and very destructive.  Now they had come to destroy what little was left of the human and mutant races, by destroying the entire planet.  They were doing this, to make way for the new Inter Dimensional Freeway.  You see, the blue pizza aliens were an outer space construction company.  I knew of only one way in which to stop this from happening and that was the Butt Bomb, this being my most powerful weapon.  If you are wondering just what the Butt Bomb is, well then just think for a second about the most disgusting, smelliest, most volatile form of human waste disposal and imagine it happening in your face.  Then imagine it happening on your face, 3,000,000,000,000 times stronger.  If you guessed gas, then you guessed right, because when I heard those blue chumps talking, I ran out of the ship, bent down and blew them away.  When I looked up again, the ship was gone, but on the ground and everywhere else I looked, the blue pizza aliens had been burned just right (it didn't smell very good, but it was edible).  My stopping the aliens didn't help the atmosphere any, but it stopped the remaining inhabitants of the Earth from going hungry for awhile (but not for long).

Alpha Lemur

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